C’eathlin Sioda
Baby Dreams

I have a childhood memory of long ago that brings to me a sense of who I have always been, independent of the family I grew up with. It is a secret memory, unmarred by a family who hurt me and allowed others to hurt me. They never knew who I was or simply didn't care. It was a small moment in my childhood I later realized was a first awakening of my own unique humanity. On evenings when other less pleasant memories threaten to creep in, I think of that little girl I was then and try give her a love she never knew. I will tell you the story with the name I call her by. I keep the child a separate person from the woman I am now, so I can love her and hold her in my heart as she never was but deserved to be.

It was an ordinary Friday sleep over with a friend, meant to
give a little more adventure after the winter holidays. Katie took
along a little pink doll's trunk, filled with necessities that only a
seven_year_old knew the value. Following an afternoon of play and
a late spaghetti supper, the children went grudgingly to bed. Somewhere
around one in the morning Katie woke suddenly. She was a restless
sleeper and it was not unusual for her to wake up in the night, even
when she was at home. Katie lay awake next to her friend in the big
double bed, listening to the night sounds.
The blanket covering her seemed coarse and unfamiliar.
Somewhere far off a dog barked his discontent, while the furnace fan came on
making a soft whoosh up through the floor vents. The smells of dinner
still lingered making a strange mixture of scents in the sleep filled
house; though she was not afraid, she felt unsettled.

“I'm going home.” Katie thought.

By moon's light peaking through the window, she got out of bed
and searched for her robe and slippers. Finally locating them at the
end of the bed, she carefully slipped into her pink quilted robe.
Holding her breath, unmoving, Katie waited to see if her friend still
slept. A soft nasal whistling answered her concern; hurriedly she
put on her slippers. Even with the moon's help, it was too dark to find
all her toys and clothes, but she picked up her little trunk, (she
would not leave that)! Her slippers felt odd. “Probably the wrong feet,“
Katie thought, as she slowly walked through the house. The moon
painted shadow designs on the walls like the charcoal pictures she
made in school at Halloween. She opened the front door and stepped
out into the snow.
The full moon was acting out “The Night Before Christmas” just
for her. There was no wind to rustle her fine blond curls, and the
silence of the air was friendly. Her breath curled out in soft clouds from
her rosy mouth. As she went along the sidewalk her slippers made
crunching sounds forming inch deep patterns along the way. Under the street
lights, the snow looked like school glue sprinkled with glitter.
At the corner she stopped to watch it sparkle, and then turned
to look at the trail her foot prints made. It was such a magical secret
to be here, in this quiet world of sparkling snow. Katie stood
thinking of the day of fun spent with her friend, climbing the billboard signs
by the road where they could see the entire subdivision from the very
top. They'd found an old abandoned bird's nest and promised
themselves to check it next spring for new tenants.
They went sledding in the woods that afternoon, with the other
neighborhood kids at the “hill." The sky was a cloudless cerulean,
and the unchecked sun hurt Katie’s blue green eyes. Squinting, she had
missed her step and fell down the steep slope knocking the wind out of
herself. She was sure death was eminent, but her breathing soon
became normal and she was sledding again. Everyone laughed, slid,
and yelled all day.
Now, everything was so silent. Even the lamenting dog was
quiet. The only sound Katie heard was the drop forge press, beating
like a giant kettle drum way off in the distance. She thought of the
many nights lying awake, listening to that steady pulse seeming to her
the heartbeat of the world. Its constant companionship always made
her feel contented and safe. Katie gazed at the once vivid blue sky, now
a carpet of winking stars. Most of the houses were dark except for an
odd light here and there.
Katie sighed and continued on until she reached her house.
She knew the door was unlocked. It was always unlocked day or night,
except when her brother attempted to exact some revenge by blocking her way
to the bathroom. She did not want to go in just yet and end her secret
journey, so she stood on the sidewalk in front for a while. Katie
imagined her pink bedroom, with the blue ABCs painted on the wall,
and the spread covering her bed with pink and blue kittens. She thought
about her toys scattered around the floor, and how she always hurt her
toes when she stepped on them in the dark. She was glad she wore her
slippers, even if they were cold now and slightly damp. Her bed
would be cold at first, and Katie would curl up into a ball until her body
heat warmed it.
As Katie stood outside her house a little longer, she felt
alone watching this world. Somehow she knew that when she went inside
where her father, mother and brother lay sleeping, she would remain
separated from them. She wished she could take something of this enchanted
world inside with her.
Clasping her doll trunk a little tighter, she approached the
door, quietly opened it, and went into the kitchen. The house was as
usual, with the same familiar smells and sounds. She could still
smell the chicken her mother must have made for dinner. By the crunch under
her slipper near the stove she guessed they made popcorn later. The
furnace fan was making a soft whir, and Katie shivered a little still
chilled from her walk home. Her cat appeared, the only greeter,
rubbing against her legs. Katie picked up the old cat and buried her
cold nose in its warm fur. “Hello my sweetest Pittypat!” She
whispered, holding the cat's face to her own. This brought a kiss
on the nose from the cat's rough tongue.
Putting her calico friend down after one more snuggle, she
watched the cat go and curl up by the furnace in the hall where she
always slept in winter. Katie followed and pressed her cold little
back up against the large wall vent of the furnace. She could feel
the vibration from Pittypat’s loud purring on the linoleum floor. With
the chill gone, she continued down the hall to her room. Moon shadow
pictures hung along the wall, but these patterns were familiar
friends. Katie put down the doll's trunk and sat on the bed,
running her fingers over the kitten pattern on the spread. She took off her
slippers and rubbed her still cold feet. Finally she got under the
covers and pulled them up to her chin. The moon looked into her
room too, painting odd shadows over the letters on the wall.

“Silly old moon.” Katie thought, “No one knows I am here but Pittypat and
you.” She blew the old sentinel a kiss, and listening to the far off
rhythm of the world's heart, and drifted off to sleep.

I still have nights that I wake up unsettled and feel the darkness outside draw me to it. I get up and look out the window to the same star filled canvas that kept that little girl that I was company on that night eons ago. I live far away from that little house. The sound of the old drop forge is now silent -closed and abandoned long ago. I have still heard it's slow steady pulse many times as my children slept in my arms, or I lay my head against my husband's chest. My children are asleep in their beds now unaware of all the shadows that stir me. My husband lying next to me snores softly and the warmth of his body next to mine is a comfort, but sometime rest still evades me. I know there is no danger in this house, only those old ghosts from long ago that awakened me suddenly to this hollow feeling. So, in my mind I take the hand of that little girl and walk that secret journey with her once more. And as we go we talk of all the things she never said to anyone but me.
 

Copyright © 2000 C’eathlin Sioda
All Rights Reserved

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